Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
I used to work at the M&M factory, but I got fired for eating all the 3's E's and W's.
Imagine whirled peas.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No ideer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no ideer.
Whats long and thin and covered in skin? Pink in parts and you shove it in tarts?
Rhubarb.
Why are elephants big, wrinkled, large, grey and hairy?
Cuz if they were small, round, smooth, white and hairless, they'd be asprin tablets.
Three men walk into a bar...
The fourth one ducks.
What do you get when you cross an elelphant and a rhinocerous?
Elef-ino.
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a pink elephant?
Hold it's nose till it turns blue, and then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Impatiant cow.
Impatiant cow w..
MOOOO!
If you're American before you go to the bathroom and American after you go to the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
European.
How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hella.
Have you ever seen an elephant hide in a tree?
They hide pretty well don't they!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall
Dam it!
A kid says this is impossible, mom says nothing is impossible, kid says then you put the toothpaste back in the tube!
How does every racist joke start?
(Looks around) I'm not a racist, but...
what do you call a snail on a ship?
A snailer!
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: One to hire the assistant, and the other to tabulate the billable hours.
Why did the kid try to keep his marble collection inside the door?
Because his mom said the door was a jar.
What do you get when you cross the Ocean with the Titanic?
Half-way!
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says...
Why the long face?
What is the difference between a Harely and A Hoover?
the position of the Dirt-Bag
What's long, brown, and sticky?
A stick.
Knock knock
Who's there?
oh, sorry I didn't know you were serious.
What do you get when you cross a computer with a potato?
Microchips
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside
How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
put some lox on it.
Why shouldn't you say '288' in polite conversation?
Because it's two gross.
What has 4 legs and an arm?
A Rotwieller
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk
What happened when two antennas got married?
The wedding was horrible, but the reception was great.
What kind of food can make you rich?
A fortune cookie
Why did the jelly roll?
Because it saw the apple turnover
In what subject do witches excel?
Spelling
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost
What has eight feet and sings?
A barbershop quartet
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they can't remember the words
Why did the atoms cross the road?
Because it was time to split
What's another name for turtles?
Reptiles in motor homes
What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?
A zipper that never forgets!
Why do lions eat raw meat?
Because they don't know how to cook.
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
Did you hear about the optician that fell into a lense grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself!
How many real estate agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten, but we'll accept eight.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why was the tomato red?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do cops give chronically bad drivers?
Season tickets
What is a magnetic field?
It's where magnets are raised.
What did the worm say to the other worm after a long absence?
Where in the earth have you been?!
What's the grumpiest kind of fruit?
A crab apple
What kind of dog doesn't bark?
A hotdog.
How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None - That's a hardware problem
How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
One - He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
How do you get an "A" in philosophy?
Prove that your professor doesn't exist.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get it from a duck.
Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They are always a little short.
What do lazy people do fast?
Get tired.
Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What do you call a midget fortune teller who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
What did the snail say on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeeee!
How does Luke Skywalker find his way in the woods?
Ewoks
Knock Knock
Who's there?
You Know.
You Know who?
Avada Kedavra! You're dead!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
whats the naughtiest farm animal?
the bow-chicka-brown-cow
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cash
Cash who? (Pronounced Cashew)
No thanks, I'd Rather have a peanut
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
-A blue bucket
What's red and looks like a bucket?
-A blue bucket in disguise
What are the two sexiest animals on the farm?
Brown-chicken brown-cow.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change
Two atoms are walking down the street. One suddenly stops and says, "Oh no, I've lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive!"
Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
what do you get when you mix an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic?
...a guy who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog
Guy 1: Hey, you have something in your hair!
Guy 2: I do?(Starts rubbing head)
G1: Yeah, looks like you got some Snew in your hair.
G2: Wait, what?
G1: Yeah, you have some Snew right there.
G2: What's Snew?
G1: Nothin much, what's new with you?
Person 1: It smells like up dog in here!
Person 2: What's up dog?
Person 1: Eh, nothing. What's up with you?
What is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty (get it?... 2:30)
Why couldn't the pirate go to the movie?
Because it was rated Aaarrrr! For all the booty!
A bear and a rabbit meet a genie who gives them each three wishes. The (boy)bear goes first:
"I wish all the bears in my neighborhood were girl bears."
The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle."
The bear says, "I wish...all the bears in the forest were girls."
The rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet."
The bear says, "I wish...I wish all the bears in the world were girls!"
The rabbit says, "I wish the bear was gay." ...Then the rabbit put on his helmet, got on his motorcycle, and rode away.
I'll tell you a clean joke. Jake took a bath with bubbles. I'll tell you a dirty joke. Bubbles was the next door neighbor.
whats orange and sounds like a parrott????
a carrott!!
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey man, you want a drink?" Descartes says, "I think...not." And then he vanishes.
Whats Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAA!!
Why are there so many smiths in the phone book?
because they all have phones.
(the point of this joke is that there is no point. tell it to a group, then laugh at them as they try to figure it out. they become the punchline.)
Two marshmallows were standing on a bridge. One jumped off, and the other one said, "Radio? What radio?!?"
A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
"I'm Sorry the number you have dialed is an imaginary number, Please rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again: this is a recording"
There are 10 kinds of people those who use binary and those who can't.
Why do computer programmers celebrate Christmas and Halloween at the same time?
Because Dec 25 and Oct 31 are the same thing.
"What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth?"
".... STUCK!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.
The bartender says,
"What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says,
"Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Knock Knock.
-Who's There?
No one.
-No one who?
*insert silence here*
A vampire bat came back to his cave with blood on his mouth. The other bats looked at him jealously and asked, "Where did you find that blood?"
"Do you see that tree over there?" the vampire bat replied.
They answered, "Yes!"
And the vampire bat said, "Well, I sure didn't!"
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a pack of cards!
I'll deal with you later.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!
2 cows are standing in a field. One cow says to the other, "Hey, did you hear about this Mad Cow Disease? They say its pretty bad."
The other cow says, "Oh, I don't have to worry about that, I'm a Helicopter."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Control freak. Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
What happens when you cross a tsetse fly with a mountain goat?
Undefined; you can't cross a vector with a scalar.
What do you call a deaf dog?
Whatever you want, its not gonna come.
a the square root of -1 and pi are having a fight. after much frustration the square root of -1 shouts PLEASE, BE RATIONAL! pi responds with "pshh get real."
two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
(pause for dramatic affect)
ba-dum chhhhhhhhh
So this pretty smug lawyer gets on a plane and sits next to this blonde chick. Now this lawyers is pretty sure of himself and it's going to be a long flight, so he decides to play a game with her to pass the time and, again, because it is a long flight she agrees. "So," he says, "if you ask me question I don't know the answer to I'll give you $5 and if I ask you a question you don't know the answer to you give me $5." She shrugs and says, "I don't know. You're a lawyer, you probably know more than me." He says, "OK fine, "How about this? If I don't know the answer I'll give you $500 and you can just give me $5 if you don't know." To this she agrees. Who can pass up $500? He starts out easy and asks her, "What's black and white and read all over?" She correctly answers, "A newspaper." She then asks him, "What's black and white, speckled, flies and rolls down a hill?" He pauses and says, "I don't know," and hands her $500. After an awkward silence he then asks, "So what was it? What was the answer?"
She hands him $5.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Lawyer!
Interrupting Law--
OBJECTION!
A teenage boy asks his grandma "Have you seen my pills labelled LSD?"
The nan responds "forget the pills, have you seen the dragons dancing in the kitchen?"
A dwarf walks into a bar and the bartender says "whats wrong?" the dwarf sais "IM NOT HAPPY!" and the bartender replies, "well, which one are you?"
A man was feeling sad one day, so his friend told him ten puns in the hopes that at least one would cheer him up. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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